#2. Choosing Happiness

I have stopped myself from telling this part of my life so many times. Why? Maybe only because I hadn’t got over it until recently. I do have to put a trigger warning for this entry, so please if you are sensitive to suicidal thoughts, stop reading. And for my friends and family that have a hard time reading this, don’t worry there was nothing to be done by you. 

I have experienced so much trauma in my life I really thought that it was normal. I was watching The Me You Can’t See just recently, and it made me realize I really haven’t allowed myself to process my depression and anxiety. And that it won’t go away until I do. Even though I feel like a new person when it comes to my mental health, it’s just a few things I have to get out. I’ve always wanted to share my story with depression, because one of the reasons why I could never find peace, is that everyone always comments on how happy I am. It makes it hard for me to be vulnerable about my mental health, not because I want to be perfect, but because everyone thinks I am. When I was younger I was so glad that I looked happy all the time, because 8/10, I was not. In fact I just started to feel pure happiness after I found out I was pregnant. But before that it was so easy to hide. So easy.  And that’s one of the reasons why I am sharing. 

Depression is something I have battled for so long, even though I was not diagnosed until my junior year of college. Yes, I’ve lost my father unexpectedly, but that is not the only trauma I have experienced. What is so interesting about trauma is that everyone responds to it differently and most of the time you don’t even realize you experienced trauma until a therapist helps you process some stuff. So, the trying to figure it all out, why, how do I fix this, the stress of it all can get really heavy. I also had a really hard time understanding the world and all the bad shit that was going on. It got really really dark for me. 

My junior/senior year in college, shit really hit the fan. I was losing close friends, overwhelmed with trying to fix every situation my family and friends were going through, I was in a long distance relationship, the list goes on. Once diagnosed with depression and anxiety, prescription drugs fucked me up so bad that I was literally failing my classes and I was definitely a favorite with some of my professors so they were really confused. I skipped so many classes and it wasn’t because I didn’t care about school, because I did, it was the pills. The days I was on it, it felt like I had no soul. The days I would stop them, I was gasping for air. I had no grip on what was going on with me.

I was a resident assistant, had an internship I absolutely loved, was able to accomplish my biggest goal and pledge my sorority, I mean I had a lot of shit going on and I legit felt like an airhead most days. Like I legit just blanked out on life. My professors were so confused but I was so embarrassed. How could I tell them, look, I just legit want to go away and never come back? And the pills my doctor gave me? Yeah, not working, actually doing the opposite. I was confused and confused and it just turned darker and darker.  

I have carried out two suicide attempts and had about a million thoughts and plans. I never really understood why. Why did it not work? Why am I still here? And I think I’ve been running from it. My therapist told me in college that my story and willingness to learn and grow can help more people. But that would mean that I have to share that I, Alisha, wanted to give up, a million times. He also told me that I needed to stop trying to put a reason to everything and thats really when I started to understand myself a bit better. I also know for a fact that God gave me so many chances, just to show me look, it does get better, you are worthy of a good life, I won’t let you give up.

I am ready. 

I am ready to be that person that shares their dark shit, just to tell that other person who doesn’t even know they need to hear it, “your situation gets better, but it has to start with YOU.”

You have to decide that you want to live. You have to decide that your life is worth living. Choose to be happy. I HATED when someone would tell me this, choose to be happy. How I would ask. I am here to tell you that once you decide to love yourself, no matter how ugly it may feel, you will turn a leaf. It has to be intentional. I am intentionally loving myself, choosing to be happy, choosing to accept that life is good no matter how many negative things happen, it is part of life and it will help me grow. 

I get really emotional when it comes to overdoses and suicide, not because it triggers me, but  because I want people to see the other side of their shit. I want people who are going through a really dark time to see the other side. It will get better. Man the growing part can truly be harder than anything, but it is so worth it. 

When I flip through my phone I look at some memories, like damn I wasn’t happy then, wasn’t happy then, but once I got to the time I found I was pregnant, it was like night and day. Once I found out I was pregnant I told myself that I had to be intentional with my peace. Choose to be happy, choose to stay focused on the positive and deal with the negative when it comes. I wouldn’t even say that my daughter saved my life, I truly decided to live for myself. And I am so happy. Negative things happen alllll the time, but I decide to look at it as a part of life. I am so done with wasting my memories. So done with not feeling good enough for myself or my family. I am good enough. I am beautiful. And not only does God love me, but I have a family and friends who want to see me happy. 

I told myself that if I am the only person left on this earth, who is going to love me? ME. Doesn’t matter what anybody thinks of me, any responsibilities, no plans, nothing, just me. And that’s when I realized it’s all up to me and what I decide to do with my time on this earth. And while I’m here I will not waste it being unhappy.

Stop feeding the bad vibes. Choose yourself and understand that life happens, but it goes on. You are so worth loving. Be intentional with loving yourself. You got this. 

I am praying for you. 

I understand my life may look perfect, I may look happy all the time, but that’s not always the case, so make sure you are intentionally checking on your family, friends and especially children. They may be hurting and they deserve to have someone in their corner even when they are hiding.